Threshold

I have a lot of patience. I have to. I deal with hard headed idiots on a daily basis who either ignore what I say so they don't have to deal with it or they are so deep into their opinions that they don't want to admit that they are wrong. I put up with a lot. I really do. I have several relatives that lash out at me because their lives aren't so great right now and they act like it's my fault. Even if what they are dealing with has nothing to do with me. It isn't and they all are stupid for doing it. They get some sort of high from making me stressed and miserable and that only proves how pathetic they are. But try telling THEM that.  Then I have the relatives who talk smack about me. I am nothing but gossip to them and they have no respect for my privacy. One relative in particular, enjoys putting me on the spot with my private issues in a room full of people but they chicken out in the presence of my father and another relative. That person loves to get deep into my business and when they can't force their thoughts on me, they lash out. Publicly. Then after they know they have infuriated me, they make a public spectacle out of it, hoping that people will physically attack me for being angry at their thoughtlessness. Then there are people who "help" me but I pay dearly for it. Basically, it's a situation of, "I helped you so I can abuse you however I want and you can't say anything to me because I have you in a moral paradox and can call you ungrateful." People like this almost make me unwilling to accept help. There is one person who isn't like that at all. I am very grateful to this person because of what they do for my family and for me. This person grew up with my father's family and this person is awesome.  

So, I take it and I take it and I take it by the shovel, full. And those people believe that I am supposed to eat it and like it. I'm supposed to ask if they would like to abuse me more. I am supposed to appreciate the abuse. Over and over and over again.

Well, I have had my fill of the negative people that I just spoke of. I am gridlocked, like in my previous blog, but desperate times call for drastic measures. Nobody ever got anywhere without taking a risk somewhere. Some of the negative people are trying to talk me out of it because they want to keep gossiping about how sorry I am and how I will never amount to anything. Their favorite subject is how I mother my child since many of them are against breastfeeding.   

I tell SOME OF THEM (because not all of them can be trusted) my plan and they are in shock. "Hey! Where are you going? We weren't finished making fun of you and gossiping about you! Wait! Don't go! We want someone to make fun of! Hey! Who are we going to bash for no reason just because we're PMS-ing? You can't go! You were born to be my punching bag!"

So, let me ask you...Is there someone out there that you give crap to on a non-stop basis? By the shovel full and you just get some high off of bullying that person? How long do you think it will be before they have had their fill and suddenly can't be held responsible for their actions? I'm sure you will call the police because you are a coward. "Oh, they hit me!" -But you won't tell them how you tortured them for so long.

It's just like Aiken DSS. They torture people. They treat families worse than the KKK treat black people. They keep coming after the innocent, poverty stricken people and they call it, "help". They tell you not to take their actions personally when they attack your children, which IS personal. One guy had his fill and shot them up. DSS responded by acting like victims. They don't care about a person's threshold. They pushed that guy until he stood up for himself. They put him to death. The poor guy was actually a hero. He was no criminal. He just got his belly full and was no longer responsible for his actions. DSS wasn't worth his life but he was so distraught and had Battered Victim Syndrome to the point that he could no longer think properly. My only anger at him at all was that he should have made sure that there were no children in the building because DSS would have probably used children as human shields.

So, be brave, all of you who are being bullied, it doesn't matter who is bullying you. They are the cowards and you, yes YOU are better than they are. Pity them. Then, when you can't take it anymore, try to think it through and resolve the problem in a way that won't land you in jail. Breathe and walk away.  



DISCLAIMER: I abhor any kind of violence and I do not like guns. What someone else did to DSS is not how I handle things. I was simply stating an opinion that they deserved it and that I am glad that no children were hurt.

"Get Over It"

I see a lot of harsh feelings against people who have had some sort of trauma. Rape victims, people dealing with the loss of a loved one, victims of child abuse, the military, etc. Sure, it might get old to hear someone talk about the same thing over and over again, but did it ever occur to you that whatever happened is still real to them? Maybe they can't stop talking about it because the wound is still fresh and will always be fresh in their minds. I lost my grandmother in October. I speak about it almost daily because every day, when I wake up, dealing with not seeing her again is like I find out she just died every single day. It's new everyday. I've received emails from "friends" saying, "I like what you say on Facebook and all, but I'm tired of hearing about your grandmother. Everyone loses a grandparent so get over it." I wish it was that easy. I have accepted that she is gone but I miss her so terribly. My infant son gets excited when he sees her house. He bounces up and down when he sees her pictures; he doesn't know that they are pictures so he will often yell at the pictures when he doesn't hear, "Grandma sees that baby, yes she does!" I haven't visited her grave.Not just because I can't get there, but also because I don't see the point. It is where her physical likeness has been laid to rest but she is not there. What purpose would be served by going? To lay flowers? Virgil wouldn't know why we're there and I would rather plant flowers at her house. I wonder why she wasn't buried there. She owned that land. My point is that I am not used to it. When you get used to a happy person all your life and suddenly you don't ever see them again, it immediately leaves a very noticeable dark cloud. There is another devastating loss that I have suffered and it's new to me everyday, even years later. I will never "get over it".

Loss aside, what about traumatic experiences? How do you "get over it" when it plays in your thoughts constantly. Don't you think they WANT to get over it? Do you think they aren't miserable with it plaguing them every day? Whatever happened to them, they didn't want it to happen. "Oh, the soldier who goes to war asked for it when he signed up to be in the military." Or, "The woman was asking to be raped when she walked by herself wearing provocative attire." That isn't the truth. The soldier signed up for an opportunity to serve his country and he knew that was possibility, but he didn't dwell on it. When the woman dressed that night, she was probably only thinking that she wanted to look beautiful and show off her figure. The grown granddaughter loved her grandmother one day at a time without even a thought that the day would come that she would never see her again. (Was the granddaughter supposed to avoid and not love her grandmother because someday she would leave this world?)

The fact is that you can't live in fear. If you think about all risks, all the time, in all that you do, then fear will consume you and you won't do anything.

My husband caused me a lot of grief and it was very traumatic. Am I going to swear off dating for all eternity because of it? No. I don't have the taste for romance right now, but maybe someday I will. I'll just swear him off. Did I ask to be hurt when I married him. No. I believe I asked that he love me and cherish me, desire only me, no matter what happens. If I had known, I doubt that I would have refused to marry him because of what good that did come out of it.

I am not over it. The things that have happened to me, I may never get over. A new wound is opened everyday for each of them. I don't have scars. I have open wounds. So the next time you tell someone to "get over it" and it's something more serious than spilling their coffee, just imagine whatever happened to them also happened to you in the exact same way. Visualize every gruesome detail happening to you. Then tell me, would YOU "get over it"?

Gridlocked

There was a time when I would harshly judge someone for not trying to work or get their license. I mean, hey! Look at me! I didn't let it stop me from keeping a job when I didn't have a car. I would walk and hitch-hike to get where I needed to go and I usually made it to work on time, every single day. For me, my mother wouldn't let me get my permit when I came of age (she let my younger sister and brothers get their immediately when they came of age, but she didn't think I was good enough). Then I got married, thinking that my husband would. He was so insecure that he refused to even let me drive and when I would complain about it, he would point out that the vehicle wouldn't pass inspection. He always had an excuse. Well, he's long gone now and I am still without a license. I'll ask someone if they will let me practice in their car and they will say that they don't have time. I'll never get my license without practice. They LITERALLY will pretend I didn't say that. So without a vehicle, I can't take my test. Therefore, I can't get my license. If I had someone with me, I could PAY to RENT a car and practice in that and then take the test in it.  Again, no one has time.

Then there's also the fact that I can't find work. I am a convicted felon. [I probably just lost some readers for that statement.] I was innocent of the crime (I had no choice because of the stakes and the plea bargain) but employers don't care. Especially those in Aiken, SC. All of them. Even McDonald's. They all have a secret blanket policy against felons, which is illegal, but Aiken is renown for corruption, thus the companies and the county, itself, get away with it. Employers are heartless. They are snide and won't give someone a chance. They don't care that they are also punishing my children. They don't care that my children need a roof over their head. They don't care that my children need electricity to see in the dark, to power the refrigerator to keep their food fresh, to power heat to keep them warm in the winter, to power air conditioning to keep them cool in the summer, to power a stove so they can eat hot meals. They don't care that my children need clothes, shoes, soap, Bandaids, food, etc.  They don't care if you're actually innocent.

All they care about is hiring someone with a clean piece of paper, not even thinking that maybe the person with a clean record is just a criminal who hasn't been caught.

A manager at the Kroger on Whiskey Road in Aiken interviewed me this year and she was just as nice and polite as she could possibly be to me until she saw where I listed my felony. Then she spoke to me like I was the scum on the bottom of her shoes. She said that she had no room for people like me in her company. She also said some other choice phrases that I know were not listed in the interview handbook. She also refused to hire me because I was pregnant. She kept staring at my swollen abdomen AND mentioned that it's very important that I not miss any days; implying that when I went into labor, that was not an excuse to miss work. That is also illegal.

I had another interview at Wal-Mart for a cake decorator. The manager liked me, she liked my work ethic and my determination. She even commented that she sensed "good vibes" from me. She told me that I had to have a second interview with HER manager and that I should be scheduled for orientation later on that week. I waited in the HR room where two employees were on the computer. The head manager came in and said he was going to schedule me for the second interview but the girl at the computer said, "No! No!" and motioned for the manager to come quickly. She pointed and I heard her whisper, "She has a felony!" The guy looked up with an awkward grin and said, "Um, we'll call you." I am currently in an email battle with the two companies.

I loved working. I loved the rush of independence, I loved the break from home, I loved paying my bills, I loved being able to pay my way, I loved being able to buy things. I was so proud to be a working mother. But a corrupt system took that away from me. No one will hire me at all. My independence is gone and the felony will not be eligible for expungement. Now, I am called "a bum", "a leech", "a mooch", "scum", "lazy", etc.

So the next time you see someone who has less than you. Someone who can't drive and doesn't work, maybe you should think before you judge. You don't know what is holding them back. If they just outright tell you that they don't want to work, then fine. That is when you draw that conclusion. But before you hear that come out of their mouth, don't assume that it's the truth. More than likely, it isn't. More than likely, they need a serious "leg-up" and they just need a chance. Someday, you might just wind up wishing that you gave them one.    

Black Friday

Today, many people are rushing into stores (please don't kill anyone this year) and buying material items. I don't know why this world puts so much emphasis on material things. I know a thing or two about loss and those material things won't make you happy. Of course, never having money will also make you miserable. How do you find a balance in between the two? I'm getting off subject. I have done without for so many years that I guess I don't understand materialism in the least. Why is it that we always want more in this world when there are so many of us who have so little? I pity the materialistic. I really do. This starts the season of giving, but I do see that there really won't be any giving. There will be BUYING. Christmas is the season for the wealthy. It is not for the poor in anyway at all. I haven't been able to buy a Christmas tree in years. I haven't been able to stand on my own in years.
Why do people care so much about items that they can't take with them when they go? Are you going to have your iPhone and your checkbook in the casket with you? You can definitely request it be put there, but are you going to know it's there?
My philosophy is that I am wealthier than those with money. I think I just heard rich people all over the world gasp. Ha ha! I may not have as much as you have, but I have something better. I have a heart. A broken heart, but it still works better than the hearts of the wealthy. My heart makes me wealthy because it hurts when I see helpless people who can't rise above poverty and oppression. I have a heart to help those that need it. I have a heart that takes pity on the wealthy people who complain about how they can't get out of debt, yet they are absolutely ungrateful for the items they bought that gave them the debt in the first place. Pathetic. My heart makes me wealthy, even though it won't keep me warm or fed. But my heart is full of love that I have to share when many don't even know what that is.

Remember this while you shop today: If you see something that someone needs, buy it. Hand it to them and say, "For you." Then walk away. Maybe an act of generosity without a condescending tone will teach you something, though I know the wealthy don't learn anything.

I have seen many pathetic examples of materialism. I have seen an old woman remember every possession she has ever had, every dollar she has ever loaned out and wasn't repaid, every item she ever loaned out that was never returned, and all she thinks about is money. Sadly, she never remembers what simple things people have done for her and she is very bitter. This woman will probably live to be 100 and try to have her whole house buried with her.

Then I have seen many examples of sincere goodwill. I remember back in 2004, I didn't have a penny to my name, a cigarette to smoke, or food to eat. A woman working at the Willcox Inn in Aiken took me in and I slept wonderfully that night in a suite. I woke up to having an incredible breakfast that only kings dream of and I left with a new outlook on life. I stayed at a five star inn for free. I'll never forget that.

Enjoy your day of shopping until you drop, guys. Be careful out there as you spend money like it means something. 

Why Make a Holiday About Gratitude?

I have honestly never liked Thanksgiving. It makes no sense to me. Sure, I like the food served on this day, but I resent the fact that people only think about what they're grateful for only one day of the year. Why not be grateful everyday of the year? Think about the Law of Attraction for just a minute, part of it working is to be grateful for what you do have in order to stay positive. So, by that logic, it wouldn't work if it's only one day of the year. It's also manipulative. People talk about what they are a grateful for right before the month they talk about what they're greedy for. Well, that's putting it negatively. Maybe it's a way to TEACH the Law of Attraction. Ha ha! You spend one whole month concentrating on the things you're grateful for, then the next month, you get everything you want. This Thanksgiving is also pretty sour for me. Today is Thanksgiving Morning (it's after midnight, here) and it is also marks the one-month anniversary of the day that my Grandma passed away. She loved this holiday. So, not only did fate tell me, one month ago, today, I would never see her again, it is also the first holiday without her. I am very grateful to have known her but just because today is a holiday named for gratitude does not mean that my gratitude toward her is somehow amplified. There's no magick gratitude dust flying through the air today. I feel the same gratitude today that I felt yesterday and last month and last year. I believe the holiday is just to remind wealthy people to stop being selfish, immature brats.
And where did this ridiculous turkey tradition come from? The first Thanksgiving did not have a turkey. It had fish and geese. So much commercialism is based on a turkey. The truth was that it didn't become part of Thanksgiving until 1857.
I am grateful to be alive during this holiday about gratitude. Enjoy your holiday, everyone. Be grateful everyday. Not just today.    

Website Building Paradox

So I was trying to start my own business, which includes building a website. It didn't happen! One of the website builders advertised on TV wanted more than $400 and then I got this "free trial" for another that was entirely too complicated and the templates did not match anything that I was trying to do. If I can't handle the simple task of building a website, then maybe I can't handle running my own business. Or maybe there needs to be a simpler way of designing your own website. I don't know. I just know that I am now frustrated, tired, and I'm looking for more options. Meanwhile, I am broke and need a job that pays.

Schemes

What aggravates me, as a poor person, is all of these "get-rich-quick" schemes. They claim that you will make "$200 per hour" or something like that and personally, I think there should be laws in place against them! They charge a hefty start-up fee and that is how they really make their money. MLM schemes, stuffing envelopes, selling an expensive product, you name it. They claim it is so "easy" and I believe there is a dark place reserved for them somewhere because it's the desperate poor people who fall into the trap. The sad thing about it is that, even though I know they are all schemes, every time I see one, I'll say to myself, "If only I had the $49.99 to buy that." It's not because I'm dumb. It's because I'm desperate. I feel so sorry for those who HAVE had that start-up fee in their pocket and DID fall into the trap. I have fallen for two in my lifetime. They were listed in some "Money From Home" magazine and they offered "make money testing free electronics" and "make money selling concert tickets on Ebay". I bought both of them at different times. Yes, what they said sounded good, but you had to already have quite a bit of money to pay for the tickets and when I looked on Ebay to see how others were doing by posting these tickets, they had been relisted several times. The testing of electronics was quite complicated and I didn't have a printer for my computer. You were to write to the companies asking for free samples and then you were to offer to write reviews on the products. Then you could either keep or resell the products.

Another type of scheme that I want to point out is the one where you find an ad in the paper and they tell you that you are hired. Then they send you a check to "buy supplies with" and you send it to them, unaware that it is a scam. I almost fell into this one. They sent the check and I received it on Christmas Eve. I thought I was saved! I ran around trying to cash it and finally, someone called the numbers to have it verified and it turned out to be a fake check. This ruined Christmas for me and my family. These people advertised in our LOCAL paper! For some reason, they get away with it. I STILL see this same ad in the paper, two years later, and that was after I reported it to the newspaper. They obviously don't care as long as the scammers pay for the ads. Again, there is a dark place reserved for them.

I don't know why people like this get away with these schemes but they do.

Being Real

There are many blogs like mine. I have some really brutal and somewhat "out there" opinions. I've often been called "real" because I speak my mind more often than I should and what I say can and will offend many but also can and will amuse many. I am the mother of five, I hate politicians. I used to identify as a Democrat but that has changed. I now identify with the Libertarians better. I have a bit of a horror story to tell but not here. You can read about it in the book that I am writing. However, writing a book doesn't pay the bills until after it is written and even then, there is no guarantee. I have an interesting sense of humor and I always try to be funny and upbeat, no matter what. I am one of the poor and honestly, it angers me that the politicians only care about the "middle class". They care nothing about us, even those of us who want to be middle class someday...Like now but it's out of reach. What about some of us who DO have ambition, passion and desire but seem to have problems that act as shackles, keeping us pinned to the ground, thus keeping our material wants out of reach. I've heard about blogs for a few years now so I'm going to try it. I'll be blogging about anything on the top of my head. Anything from politics to being a mom to being unemployed. I can't make any promises about what I will and won't be posting about. Love me or hate me, take it or leave it. I have a voice and I will speak my mind. Okay, here goes nothing.